Kindness starts Somewhere Else

It is my opinion that people don't always have a clear and comprehensive understanding of kindness. Their idea of kindness may be limited.

She's so sweet!

He's too nice, always...

He's so giving!

She's very helpful.

He always agrees!

They're always so considerate.

When you think of someone being kind, there is a big chance you will think of exactly these. Why, isn't a kind person someone caring and helpful, most likely well-mannered, carrying a big smile, and not minding spending their time helping you and others? We are taught to associate kindness with these qualities of being generous, polite, friendly, helpful, giving, considerate, affectionate, gentle, concerned, thoughtful, selfless...and the list goes on! It is in the dictionary if you were to look it up! So, what is my point here?

My point is that so many of us miss something quite important: (1) We expect something in return and (2) we forget to be kind to ourselves. In this post I'd like to focus on the second issue. Our actions are so often purposefully directed towards others FIRST, and our kindness is used to benefit others. Well, this is quite normal. Let's see:

Many humans love feeling recognized.

Many humans love the approval of others.

Many humans may need to feel liked and indispensable.

Many humans want to create a feeling of belonging by being kind.

Many humans want everything to be peaceful, so they choose others' feelings before theirs.

I don't need to have a Psychology degree to understand this happens. We see this everyday. We see this happen to ourselves and to others close to us.

However, because of these, what can often happen is that we end up trading our happiness for a kind act. You helped others because you know they needed it, but while you made time for them, you missed out on your scheduled workout, arrived late for your kid's game, missed the train home or forgot to stop at the grocery store before heading home. Now you feel guilty and annoyed. You said yes to going to that restaurant you are not a big fan of just to please others, and now you resent them and your decision. You are always in agreement with everyone at work, and now it's hitting you that no one really cares for your opinion. You feel left out and disrespected. By being kind to others without taking YOU into consideration first can bring on negative feelings afterwards, ultimately making you frustrated and unhappy.

I believe this is where we could benefit from reprogramming our mind to understand that we should guarantee we are kind to ourselves first. I don't believe this is selfish at all; what you are doing is ensuring you are at a good place, emotionally, before you take on someone else's problem, plan or suggestion. Consider that being kind to yourself first will make you a happier, more balanced, more harmonic, more present person. This will automatically affect how you make decisions and how you treat others. A happy person cannot be unkind. These are two vibrations that are not on the same frequency. They simply cannot exist simultaneously. When you are happy, you do GOOD. You cannot be happy and do bad. Have you ever noticed that a truly happy person never complains?. Take a moment to think of a VERY happy, "perfect" moment in your life and how, right there at that moment, everything was RIGHT with your world. That's happiness. This is the feeling we want to multiply throughout our day so that KINDNESS can flow out of ourselves and towards others without us ever dropping our vibrational frequency into the negative depths of guilt, shame, annoyance, anger, fear, regret, worry, sadness or uncertainty.

Take care of yourself first. It's OK, it's necessary, and will benefit MORE people at the end of the day. Kindness starts right within you towards you first, so that it can be applied with greater intent and happiness when you hand it over to others.

How can you start being kind to yourself? I wrote a short bullet points post on how to be kind to yourself. It's a brief list but can help you get started. I intend on writing more about being kind to yourself in future posts.

Kind hugs to you,

Denise Z.

Thank you for reading!